her story

i would never have even thought to have considered myself to have lived through abuse

my life is so privileged

but i read her story.

and why

why why why why

did i connect to so much of it

why why why why

did i think of that place

that time

and remember thinking those same thoughts

those thoughts that

show she was in an abusive relationship

now here we must pause.

i don’t think in my situation she meant or even really abused me.

she is kind,

she told me so,

she loves me,

she told me so,

when i read that girls story and she talked about the way she dissolved.

i saw in her story the shadow of me,

living a very different life

but our minds sure shared a lot in common.

she talks about never have ever considered suicide before in her life, but then wondering

what if

and i remember never having considered suicide but watching a suicide prevention video and realizing that

i was feeling how they were feeling.

i understood them so closely.

and i thought,

oh you may have a problem.

i felt empty

disconnected from everything

it was then when i said if i were a disney character i would be gill from nemo.

if you know me, i am not a gill.

but that me was.

and my friend ian called me 'chatty kathy' because I would barely a few words every time we'd talk.

and when i met stacia and emma and i felt like they saved me,

why did i so desperately need to be saved?

and why when i left her did i write in my journal

“i now get why victims of abuse go back to their abusers”

WHY DID I WRITE THAT

i treasure that journal, where i documented without any kind of pretense. what i wrote was raw and unfiltered.

but we were so cute together,

but i asked others who knew and loved her and they said she never said a mean thing about me

and i couldn’t,

can’t

believe them

why would she have loved me

that seems impossible

but here i reiterate

i think she is a genuinely good and lovely person

she loves her mom and dad with a loyalty ive never seen matched

she cares for her grandparents so much and so closely

she loves her brother as a part of her

she is funny and has good taste

she loves the mountains and a good country song

we have so many cute photos together

our arms together creating a heart

i think i became a victim with such fierce downward momentum i dug beneath the bottom of me and

kept

digging