not a coward

coral tells me

that all the cool people

cry on their birthday

and i try to tell it was for the lamest reason

and she says 'no, exactly.'

but i

cried as i was standing over a sink of dirty dishes

on the day i had waiting for

i hear jess say oh bereal!

and i hear them take theirs in the living room,

(and i shouldn’t have wanted them to want me in them, i shouldn’t have but i did)

and i hear my head say

'if you weren’t a coward you’d bereal this'

but i do not reach for my phone

i just finish the dishes

then the help i asked for is busy

so i decide

all on my own

what i will order from a restaurant

and i call.

(that is how unknown i am, if coral were here she wouldn’t have let that happen)

but then julia comes home i tell her and we leave to go pick up the food.

in the car ride

daniel tigers “there are so many feelings” comes on,

i’m still on the verge of tears

but verges don’t last long

somehow

i say

'i really miss coral today'

and julia she says 'yeah'

then after a pause sees the tears

and then since it’s open

i go and i say all the things

that pushed the tears out of me

and i tell her about how i was crying alone when bereal went off

and that my mind said

if i weren’t a coward i would post now

and she

reacted perfectly

a laugh sort of escaped from her

and a sort of

woah

and when i said it outloud and she responded like that i knew that

i wasn’t a coward

and i posted, you can see the tears if you look

(but i don’t know who looked)

and we picked up the food,

i got a call from evan

he said

“present you want but didn’t get 3, 2, 1”

and that makes me so happy

i say that i’ve gotten reusable ziploc bags, a letter opener and an onion, so not any of those things.

he says ok i’ve got some ideas, jane and i will be there tonight.

and

julia took her bereal then

& you only barely tell that those eyes have cried for the first time in a long time.

and that it’s been more than a year since those eyes

cried

when

someone else could see.

and we take out thai food back into the car.

as we are driving back,

already late but only barely,

she says do you want to go home or rage drive.

and i say

um

we can keep driving

and so she drives

and listens and affirms

and keeps driving toward the canyon

as we suck on the yummy guava thai candies

until i say i think we can go back now,

(no use prolonging it now).

and

i know now (a few days later)

that

that was probably the best part of my birthday

#notacoward

now it’s a secret we share.

and she sings “little do you know…”

and we walk back in

and i know she knows

and that’s enough

the rest of the night goes

really well actually

but at the end of the party when some people climb through the hole in the ceiling to the roof

and it’s just me lindsey and lane

and lindsey asks me

if you could change anything about today

what would you change

i say does it have to be something I personally can control or anything

she says anything

i say

nothing right now

i wouldn’t change anything

because that drive

was i gift

i don’t want to return