that night

i remember that night

i was feeling stepped on,

marginalized

and i so cautiously

brought a point up, one that seemed little to me.

and i remember

being talked over

i remember

men

my friends

not letting me talk

and me letting me let them

because it was them weakening

not me

and i remember my friend

sitting across the room from me

knowing she agreed and felt hurt too

but she stayed silent

(and she’s not one to take up space, especially when that space is being overfilled with loud voices)

and she said after

i know how you feel

and i didn’t say anything

because i knew

i would’ve agreed with them.

and i

i understood her.

ive been her.

in her place with another woman talking about her struggles with the patriarchy

maybe i would

agree with the majority

because oh it’s such a sweet treat to be liked by everyone

too bad it’s just an illusion.

too bad how you feel, is what’s real

and oh don’t get me wrong i will always probably want to be liked

and being kind,

that’s not nothing.

that’s everything.

but kindness is not being afraid to say what hurts

kindness can tell you that a system hurts

and still hold the door when you are carrying tons of groceries

kindness will still do your dishes

what i wrote in my notes app that night was simply

there is no point in getting angry

no value

oh well if i’m wrong at least i believed in something

being talked over feminism

WHY IS THERE NO POINT IN GETTING ANGRY

I KNOW IT IS WEAK

I KNOW THERE IS POWER IN TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK

BUT I WANT TO SCREAM

I WANT TO BE ANGRY

as i write those words the big anger is popped like a balloon by the tiniest pin,

think of all you have.

i am so privileged

who are you to complain,

about what,

being talked over,

having people think less of you

feeling like you have to please the men to be worthy

wow so much hullabaloo about some silly feelings

grow some skin honey

AH

and i love the women powers

and is it a big deal that those women before me were abused and forced to be silent about it

should that matter

does it only matter because it could hurt me

or does it matter

i know i don’t get as enraged for other marginalization's

except when i am told the stories i do

like how we drove down the street

and saw a cop car

she couldn’t breathe,

she panicked

she reached for her hand

she held so tight

and finally could breathe long after we had passed by

she talked about her and her mom

and how one time

they didn’t just pass by a cop car

about watching her mom being shoved down onto the top of a cop car.

and when i think of that

i need to be held back.

she should not have to fear

she who is good

who was born of a proud and beautiful ancestry

who were enslaved by people who looked like me,

and who probably are my ancestors.

when i remember that

oh the balloon of anger comes right back.

can this be a kind anger.

or do i just want that so people like me?

-xxx-

and here’s another thing

when we talked about what is too serious to be joked about

and i thought about what i would say

and realized sexist jokes don’t hurt me

(oh boy will they hurt you though buddy)

because in those moments, i can stand, for a group i am in.

[it’s the “jokes” about people who are t there and who are in no need of humbling.

those that hurt

those that are unkind

to those who the system

puts as low

those jokes.]

and the time i saw my two (male) friends on the bus as i was coming back from a temple shift

and i told them at one point i was glad they were with me then guys wouldn’t bother me

and they seemed surprised

and i said it’s not that often

and i should be flattered

they mean no harm

and i could see in their eyes

starting to see

a bit

that they have something i don’t

they feel safe on these streets

and i do too

but i arm myself

with quick replies and cold face

and i am ready

while they are unprepared

they probably haven’t felt like they needed to take a self defense class

and then been alone

and been so grateful for what was learned there

unfinished thoughts

- lord of the rings

- male gaze

- woman libbers