acceptance

“do you feel like your making the right decision?”

she asked me

“it doesn’t even feel like a decision, it just feels like acceptance”

i say

and mean it with all of me present future and past

so

then it’s known,

but it was known 2 hours earlier when she said the right strings of somethings that cleared the blurriness from my mind, + i saw the end

and it was known

when she

confused & happy about romance, noticed she couldn’t connect to God the same way

so she finally invited him in, and standing on holy ground,

i looked into my own eyes, seeing them as the eyes of his child

and asked

knowing it was too early from a cynical outside view

but it was right for me,

i asked God, what to do about this boy in my phone,

who had started to make me really happy,

expecting the answer of

it’ll give you experience, be kind but go for it

and getting

“it is going to hurt, you can choose how much”

and that rang like a crystal bell all through me

and it hurt and i recoiled

and i tried to rationalize it away

and i, somewhat successfully,

put that answer carefully away in its box, i lovingly wrapped it and put it on the back of a top shelf to be dealt with another time.

and just last night he said he liked me

and oh

oh that meant so much

(especially if you forget about that part where i thought 'huh, i can never picture myself saying that to him')