before me

i remember being 12, i remember the sun setting,

I remember thinking

WHY ISN'T EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

but the truth is, they had.

they had talked about it

just before me.

and i couldn't know what they knew.

-the story-

the love affair probably started long before though. it must've started with the CD tower stuffed with my parents CDs. There were church albums, gipsy kings, kids albums, cool albums. but I fell hard for one album, the Jackson 5's ABC. It resonated with my post elementary school life, and I'm sure it was an album I could not get in trouble for listening to.

I remember creating a tv show starring my little sister and cousin, and while it never made it past some rough cuts I had a vision that the jackson 5 would be the soundtrack to every episode.

On my birthday that fall I got a phone. Not just any phone but an iPhone 4. it was perfect. I remember always putting it in my back pocket so everyone could see the outline of a phone. I got my first instagram, posted regrettable heavily filtered photos, but best of all, it had pandora.

that is where i found Michael Jackson.

i listened to the Michael Jackson Pandora radio trying to find every song he'd ever done. Mostly while mowing the lawn or weeding the garden. I found smooth criminal, Billie Jean, Rock with me, Off the Wall, This is It, Black or White, Remember the Time, Earth Song, and They don't care about us.

I remember human nature the most. My mom told me it wasn't an appropriate song, then a while later she said that she listened to it and realized it wasn't inappropriate but she was told that but never looked into it herself.

I couldn't get enough from the Pandora radio station though. I watched all the music videos I could get my hands on. I still wanted more. I found his wikipedia page. I read the whole thing, l remember it being very long and I was proud to say I'd read it all. I felt loyal to Michael, especially in the section about his death. I fully blamed coca-cola and his doctor.

I was amazed by this music, but no one seemed to care.

I was doing what felt to me like ground breaking research and the kids around me didn't care or understand and my parents already had heard enough from their experiences growing up with him. I felt like they were so lucky to have grown up with Michael Jackson around them, they didn't have to go out searching on their own. I had no outside context to him and his music.

It was brand new to me, it was groundbreaking.

they already knew, it was oversaturated for them.

at school I heard thriller and people knew of Michael Jackson, but they didn't care.

I saw a girl with a michael jackson shirt and it made me both want a way to show my love for his music, and it made me hope she knew and cared about the music the way I did.

It was so frustrating to love something that I had found on my own, and to have no one understand.

I was a kid with priorities, a main one was being different. I refused to read books I saw other kids reading. I cared about which movies I watched. I was surprised by all the counselors, church leaders etc who talked about how 'it's okay to not fit in'. I didn't understand why they thought that would be me and my peers problem.

Michael Jackson was special because I knew he wasn't unique. I could slightly justify it with him being from a different generation. While my peers were all over Justin Bieber and one direction I was living off of Michael Jackson and best of the 80's. But I knew that I was breaking a rule for him and it was worth it.