hurts//seen

when people tell you the imperfect parts of you

sometimes it hurts.

other times you feel seen.

hurts.

when you asked me if i could ever see myself getting married and i said yes,

you didn't believe me

tried to tell me i didn't see it.

i do

i see it in songs

in feelings

in the pulling i feel to things larger than myself

love is important yes.

but i want to fly.

you can tell me that no one could ever love me more,

and i will know within me that someone will love me in a language i understand, and that will be enough.

you can tell me i need to learn how to love and i'll believe you in part

i know i didn't love you right,

i dont think i've ever loved a boy right,

but i have loved many a friend right.

i may now be weak in my ability to love romantically.

but i don't believe that weakness will last.

i hope

with little evidence other than the pulling inside me,

that one day love will start like a spring and fill me all the way up, overflowing out of me, making hard things easy with its smoothness

you have made it hard.

but because it has been hard i feel compelled to believe there is something better in store.

i chose to follow my heart, away from so much and i believe that better is ahead.

i did not settle,

in all truth i knew i could not settle

but i will still give myself the prize.

the prize of knowing i listened.

seen.

it was simple but like a gong it continues ringing.

all she said was "you aren't being yourself, it's weird, why?"

and "you seem bored, you didn't used to"

and i was no longer blind and numb to it.

i was seen, and seen for the true parts of me.

parts of me that get me into trouble but i love at the end of it all.

how did i not know, not know i was smaller than i am.

i don't yet know the way back to the self i've neglected. but at least i know she's missed.