icarus

i was not worthy of her tears,

but she gave them

they should’ve been given to someone who deserved it

someone who’d been there

someone who’d listen

with no agenda

but unfortunately it was me

and when she said she didn’t want to cry in front of me

my hubris thought

oh that’s sad maybe that’s because she’s scared of me like i’m scared of her sometimes

no

not even

who did you think you were

that everyone could trust you.

so she shared about feeling alone

wanting to be home

(and my heart yearned for her to be home)

and about not feeling at home

in our home

and in my arrogance

i thought for someone else was the cause

and only when she said the words directly could i see

the problem was also me

and how she said

and i know it’s my fault too,

that was because it was me who was the problem

and

too many i’s

this is not about me! how can i get that through my head.

i fought an agenda in my mind as she talked

i listened but i did want to have the right thing to say

and i don’t think i did

not once

because it wasn’t about me

in my head on loop was i love her

it was there. constant.

her honesty i am so grateful for

because i have been arrogant and a poor listener and i don’t like how that feels

and the reason to change has now been put up so large i can’t ignore it

but it’s harder now

and i’m so so scared

i’m really scared

because she said her walls will be up higher since she told me

and i believe her

and i want to care and be there and listen

but now it’s not so genuine

and i’m so scared.

i love her so much

i really do.

i’m not the one who can be there for her best

she has R

she has J

she has her mom

even J and P and I

i’m not the person she needs

and that is hard.

she has been there for me on the days i’ve needed it most

and i haven’t

the julia day,

is it even about her

or is it about me being such a cool&fun roommate

i think it got lost down the line

i didn’t realize how you can’t be perfectly there for everyone

i’ve been trying to be

that

for everyone

and it’s just not realistic

i will not stop loving and trying to listen

but i can’t expect to be special or alone in my service

thank you

for loving me enough

to tell me

even though

i

didn’t deserve it.

when you try so hard to be perfect in every ones life

and you’re just not

and the next morning i listen to a wise woman speak on relationships

she says we sometimes search for perfect but what we need is intimate

i’ve been so far.