largeness

when i think about all the art classes i've taken

i don't think about the art i made

full of big ideas, poor execution and lack of attention to detail

(still true of me today)

the feeling i miss and crave was watching the artists work

i think of elliana more times than one would expect given we had that one class together sophomore year.

every conversation, every art piece is on speed dial in my mind

of anyone in highschool her instagram is the one i look up most,

hoping to see new art.

i know i felt privileged to watch her work,

see the ideas come in, see them realized, see her erase things that i thought were perfect and then they'd become even more

i loved learning about the artists from my teachers, hearing about their lives, how they developed their style.

i craved the feeling of seeing art not thinking anything of it and then as i listened that art becoming endless

my art history class

mrs. meredith with her funky sweaters and overalls and hair

the people i still remember

studying for those tests was the exact right kind of hard.

i wanted to have to remember every detail

(well besides the date)

i longed to know the story.

i still long for it.

i think my dream is still inside me

my dream of having a museum

of knowing so much

of inviting artists to work and being honored with the opportunity to watch.

just thinking of it makes my current life and trajectory seem a little bland.

i know what i'm doing now will set me up best

(go to law school, make money, then work with a museum and go storm chasing)

i loved every art class,

not for my own art though, not for the generous A-'s and B+'s on my pieces

(even though I was only accustomed to A's and A+'s)

not for the award of 'most patient'

(which i loved not because it was kind, it wasn't. i loved it because it was true)

i miss them

i miss most elliana, and all the other artists i've watched.

i'm making a wish, right here, right now

i wish for the gift to often be in museums

i wish for the honor to see art be made

i wish to feel the largeness