little dreams

she asked me if i was wearing a bra with hooks i said yes

she directed me to a little room with two lockers a mirror and a curtain and to remove the bra but i could keep my shirt and take off any necklaces.

i followed the instructions then went out and sat in the waiting room

the child in me feeling self conscious,

and also free

there were two woman and a man waiting there already

one woman, a young mother wrapped in a tan thin blanket,

one woman, old, in her own chair, a chair that is an extension of her body. with an identical blanket covering all of her but her face and feet

and a man without a blanket but with something in his arm that looked to me like they had used it to take his blood and left him with it so they could get more when they needed it.

we sat in silence for only a moment

then the young mother said to me 'if you get cold they keep the blankets in a heater'

i nodded gratefully, but didn't say anything due in equal parts to the effort it would've taken to speak and the knowing that i was there for something much smaller than what they all were.

they talked about dreaming of buying a towel warmer so they could have warm towels when they got out of the shower,

talked of little luxuries and tips for getting them,

but always followed by a lack,

not enough freezer space for fancy pebble ice,

difficulty in traveling due to children,

and other lacks unspoken,

the difficulty for the old lady to move,

the demanding work of the mans

(I had overheard earlier the receptionist say she recognized him from the emergency department)

they three still dreamed though, sitting in the sterile space.

two in blankets, one without and me, feeling like i didn't belong.

the old lady asked if we had Dr. Alvarez, everyone shook their heads, she explained that she'd been there waiting a long time.

i understood her,

i'd been set to wait in a chair outside the place they'd taken me in to study,

i've been left alone. no where to go.

outside the room where they, with every good intent and with my consent

test your body, ensure it's healthy.

but left alone after,

not feeling yourself.

When i was alone it was for hours,

they would come every hour and replace my full vomit bag with a new one. quickly and not offering help.

i was alone, crying, hurt, throwing up, unsure what to do

my phone was teetering near death

my body incapable of doing anything besides keeping itself alive

i was afraid, but asked for the help i needed, i called and got an eta.

i had walked to the hospital on my own that day,

and on this day too. but on this day, unlike the others waiting with me,

mine was easy, i was sure i'd be able to walk out the door, and along the road until I reached home.

it's hard to wait alone in pain.

easier when you share your little dreams together.