new to lonely pt 2

i’m so lucky,

i feel it, the gratitude some times lifting me

sometimes heavy and tied round my neck as i try to swim upwards

i know i’m so lucky

i have a boyfriend who loves me with more heart than he has

roommates who make me dinner

and tell me the food i make is good

i have parents who care and do so much

how selfish of me to not make it enough

to put my inadequacies above those blessings

but at that party,

wearing a costume

maybe i should’ve felt confident in it,

that if eyes were looking they should

that they’d be lucky to talk to me and i’d make it worth their time

i used to find my mind a fascinating place

i was excited to show new people around

now if they come up to my door

i slip outside careful to not let them get more than a glimpse of the interior and close the door,

i stand in front of it,

no welcome mat, no offer for them to come inside.

my door was once wide open should someone stop by.

i find it most obvious in

people i once had,

now caring about others so much more

and that’s how it goes,

i’m not angry, not annoyed even, i don’t notice it till i’ve left and feel empty,

they didn’t see me

didn’t see me.

see