stories of today

entries from my bus rides home

12/26

i never expect the feeling when it hits me.

although i set the table for it with an empty plate and glass.

i choose the perfect song before it becomes perfect.

it’s just a song until it becomes a moment until i push the door open to the large granite stair case, the just passed sunset, the lights in the trees, the beautiful building across the street that feels like a special kind of home is lit up softly.

i have a short walk down those granite stairs people take prom photos on sometimes. through the sparkling trees toward the cute shops and cafes, halfway across the street to the bus stop.

i don’t care if two busses pass me before the white walking man let’s me go. i’m consumed by this good feeling, i don’t know what it is in the moment, but since that moment has now passed i’m left to figure out what it was.

what it was

the security, easiness, knowing it’s an answer people like, having something i desperately wanted for so many months. i’m sure it was every wish i made on every candle, would’ve been the only really true thing on my christmas list

1/3

i just love working in a building people come to for its beauty, today there was a wedding reception and luncheon, two girls in matching dresses. a little girl in a dark green dress and tiny pigtails staring fervently at the stairs. in the past there have been wedding photos, high school dance groups, people making tiktoks, a vampirique girl singing her renditions of toxic.

1/10

answers to questions no one’s asked except myself

Q: what is you favorite part of your daily work routine?

A: getting the mail. i love going outside, getting to walk around. i only wish i got to do it more or the walk was longer

Q: what is your favorite part about your job?

A: i love all the things i’m being exposed to, the amazing people and the potential

A(honest): i love telling people what i do, where i do it, who i do it with. i love walking out the doors and knowing i got paid all day, knowing i’m valuable there (or will be).

Q: what are your least favorite parts of the job?

A: when i’m all alone with tasks i don’t understand how to do or why

1/11

i’ve heard before that to learn empathy you should read fantasy. and it’s never appealed to me, i’m not drawn to the covers of wizards, magical landscapes. i want to read about characters, not plot. i want to understand and maybe be understood. i was tricked into this one, a book about a bookstore. it’s not by most definitions high fantasy. takes place in a slightly in the future san francisco. the magical parts make the paperwork go faster though. i love when i think the protagonist has made the worst decision i could imagine and it turns out to be the right one. it makes me crave hearing people’s internal monologue. i want to know.

memorable

- zane sending me a song

- lunch break walk

- confident accepting of tasks and working on them

- bankruptcy meeting ft. cock+bull

what i learned

- TALK TO PEOPLE WHEN YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WALK PAST

1/23

what i've learned

- adam can’t go to europe as he’s seen Taken and knows he’d be a star in the sex trade

- katrina loved cinderella books as a child and finds sir percy blakeney very attractive

- laura left for a few months and when she came back to her home, her husband turned the fruit bowl into a beebee bowl, the fridge was just hotdogs and cheese, and there was protein everywhere

- when ben’s son is angry at you he’ll tip your face up

- watergate salad is delicious, and zachary keeps all ingredients on hand

- terri has 17 chickens

- misty’s daughter does cheer, has a competition this friday

2/2

we went to texas roadhouse for dales birthday,

- dale watches every new movie but claims only his wife does

- ben is a big movie guy

- camila has the cutest love story with max

- AND the cutest engagement rain pics

- terri loves her horses like friends and has an amazing sunset view on the chicken coop porch lawn chair

- aileen will defend you at the restaurant making sure you get what you want

- katrina has a hatred of old ladies (they both complain+make a mess)

- camila wants a farm one day

2/6

the gray rainy skies, the drops of water landing on my hair are little reminders that i’m alive. and that i love being alive. how every woman i saw loved the ribbons in my hair. a bus driver who i can’t see because it’s fogged up but i can see they have a little bag of cookies in the windowsill, it makes me smile. it feels important to notice.

things i'm scared of:

- not being there for my sister

- being part of the injustices that i don’t even fully understand

- (or maybe people just thinking i am, it’s hard to tell)

- my friend, her anger, how much effort i put in to not messing up

2/7

savannah brown makes amazing videos.

2/8

finding music feels right.

2/9

I felt caged up, we climbed out of it.

making people feel comfortable, releasing tension. that's my priority.

2/10

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW IMPORTANT HOT SPRINGS ARE TO ME.

(and making an idea happen)

I loved playing football. It went well in everyway that matters to me

(I hope I'm not just an optimist about that, I hope it's true)

2/11

I want to make a home where hosting is built into every brick, plate and window.

2/14

gifts mean so much to me. i felt so loved by my mom today.

2/16

doing what you've been afraid of isn't scary. it makes you feel powerful.

(as long as you have good help)

2/17

being myself is easier than I thought. It slips out while I wasn't even watching. It floods out around people who interest me and are interested in me. it is so good to have friends.

2/18

it's hard work to ask the right questions. fortunately it's worth it.

2/19

I just want my future to be packed full of laughter. (I hope that's not too much to ask)