unbidden

it entered my head unbidden and took up the entire stage,

and with ease forced every other thought to the farthest back corner, and forced tears out of my eyes

I didn't want to strip the thought from it's power though,

I wanted to know why

why it was so massively sad that I wanted to lay in the sadness not try and plug it up.

It started with a dream,

and the dream didn't leave any lasting negative emotions as is the general case for me.

terrible things can happen in my dreams but dream me is excellent at compartmentalizing and not worrying too much.

this dream took place in a foggy place, an old house.

When I got home police were swarming the house. I was told my whole family had been killed. My aunt was there are told me I could go wait in a room she said they had cleaned up and would be safe.

She had misspoken and as i went in the room I saw my mom disfigured on the floor. Quickly I was escorted to the correct place, but dream me knew how much that image would change me.

As I sat overwhelmed by the enormity of what I had to process I was informed that not only my family had died, but my ex boyfriend had been visiting and was also killed.

That broke me.

I remember thinking I am no longer who I was. This trauma has changed me forever.

The dream faded out and eventually another one started (one about mini barbells and playing survivor at USU).

I woke up with a routine clear memory of the dream and a great deal of motivation to write it down.

I wrote it down and moved on.

From most of it at least,

I could not escape the blinding light of the thought

it would unassumingly come back into my mind

small

then quickly balloon until it pushed everything out

I cried in public probably 5 times,

from the hugeness of that thought

nothing could make it leave

my thoughts swirled from how if he died how I would have so many regrets but I still

know I can’t change anything

and it was always the funeral

how awful I’d feel

how I would just want to be with his family but for obvious reasons they wouldn’t want anything to do with me

how lonely I'd feel in my grief

where would I sit?

how could people understand?

how could I not become undone by my regrets?

I got home and did some research,

wondering how other people deal with thoughts of their ex dying,

I read a story about a girl who reached back out to her ex, then the next day he died, she said it's always worth it to reach out.

as you can imagine, that was not helpful.

I asked my roommate if she ever thought about it,

she said the only thing similar is that sometimes she thinks that she'll never know if her ex is dead or alive

(that made me laugh, so different from my deep fear)

Nothing was quenching the fear, and I didn't want any of it to,

I knew what I needed.

and I got it.

my good friend came over i told him the whole story

I entrusted to him the job of monitoring his health

we laughed and he agreed

even though we both knew it was silly we also knew it was very serious.

when I got confirmation that he seemed in not only great health but in a great mood the

worries faded.

I was equally as happy as I'd been scared.

I just needed to know.

I rode that happy feeling the whole rest of the day,

such a easy, light, enduring happy

when the time came to analyze this experience,

me and my sister

tried to give it meaning

it could've been just the feeling from the dream leaking into reality

but I don't think that's it.

she said it could be that he needs to be dead from my life and I needed to mourn that

or that I am dead from his life and i need to come to terms with that

unfortunately while those are great ideas they are simply too difficult to deal with so for the moment I chose to ignore those possibilities.

she asked me if I still thought I'd want to go to his wedding,

that's an easy answer for me, yes.

she said don't you think that'd be hard on him?

which she's right to think,

but in my head the ability to go to his wedding would come because over time we learned to be friends,

I believe it's possible.

but if it's not, I won't be looking for an invite to a place that's not mine.

I doubt there'd be a time where if he died it won't affect me.

and I don't think there's any change I can make to the way I'm living that won't leave me with regrets.

how strange it is to think i'd have regrets when I wouldn't change a thing

(except make myself kinder)

it's a few days later and the thought has been fully stripped of its once held power.

I know I have enough mutual friends who know to tell me that he's alive and doing well.

it's not my place to worry.

it's my place to do my best to let both of us have peace.

---

Unbidden Cont.

i finally reversed it,

wondered if i died

and in that moment,

    i was shocked that i didn't want him there

the way he saw me

never felt like me

it still doesn't fit me.

i have an occasional routine

before i go to bed,

i choose a random phrase

"cute"

"i love you"

"i miss you"

"i'm sorry"

"thank you"

"you're"

and scroll through our texts.

it never does what i expect.

when i search through our texts

i want to miss us,

i want to feel something for it,

but when i do

our texts always devolve,

from "hi"

to

"i'm sorry that i hurt you"

reminders of the pain of wearing something that never fit.

it always shows me why i left

not why i stayed.

ps: i am in no way limiting anyone's access to my funeral in a real sense. funerals are for the living much more than the dead.