well i guess that's that (and that's it)

i have a goal,

to do better at knowing who i am

and i've wanted to improve in the dating relm

( a place i'm not altogether comfortable in )

so i made a plan, with friends urging me on,

ten dates then a powerpoint, showing what i learned.

no ghosting! only honesty and kindness.

it's been going well, all things considered.

I've seen lots of areas that I can grow in and learned something new from every date

i've been so outside my comfort zone, and proud of myself for it.

i decided to send out a survey,

i sent it out to two people,

i sent it to one who is very kind and emotionally intelligent

and one who's date i didn't really enjoy (he said unkind things about women, and talked at length about abortion while i did my best to enjoy the ice cream)

he wants to be a seminary teacher, which i originally thought was cool, because he wants to make a difference.

but now it churns my stomach to think of him teaching in high school.

i've seen people online respond to hate comments, and my thought has always been why don't they just ignore them?

but i understand just a bit now, the urge to show the hate to the world.

i am so grateful that when i got this response i had been lucky enough to have a mom that taught me that a body is not something to look at and force into shapes but an incredible machine that i am blessed to have work so well and that allows me so much freedom. i feel so grateful that i know that i am in good shape, and that i haven't spent hours in front of the mirror wondering if i was good enough. if i had he would've confirmed all my fears.

there are so many things this person does not know about me,

he doesn't know that i'm not desperately marriage hungry, if i wanted so badly to be married trust me i would be married now. i'm guessing he doesn't think i'm active, an easy one to dispute. maybe he thought i edited my pictures or was so selective that i looked much thinner? but that was never the goal and honestly i don't care enough. i am grateful for what i have, so so grateful that my body works so well.

i don't hate this guy. that doesn't feel like the emotion, i don't find him lucid enough to take his opinion seriously.

but i do feel really sad.

and worried,

for the young girls and boys he wants to mentor

part of me wishes there was a backside to this dating app, where the girls could help each other out, and i could let them know his thoughts, warn them.

part of me wishes i could send what he said to the seminary,

while i don't want to hurt him, i do want to protect the young ones.

but all of this would likely just further how hurt he already feels.

and i can trust that if it would influence his teaching someone would be there and stop it.

i am a very curious person, and i naturally see the world as quite rosey.

now i sit with the results of my assumptions being wrong.

and sit with knowing that i was hurt by something i know isn't true.

i bring in gratitude for the endless things i am so grateful for.

try to in some ways keep this experience in, no use giving this guy a bigger audience

and change it into more deep and intentional kindness.

so if i have sons or daughters i will strive to raise them kindly.

i cried over his response, even though i don't think it was worthy of my tears.

i feel hurt and fragile, even though i know better.

i wanted to grow, and this is an opportunity.